Monday, April 22, 2013

Hold me...






Hold me. Lest
I stray into lonely oblivion
not wanting anyone but you.
Hold me. So tempests
rage quietly, as passions
lull and rise anew.

Hold me, sans adornment.
Hold me, sans attire.
Hold me for my elements.
Hold me, hold me true;
Hold me for my love of you…!

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Maya...



What do I love?
You?
Or being in love?
Or being in love with you?

What do I have?
The world?
Or naught?
Or a world in confusion fraught?

Who am I?
The someone?
Or someone
that simply went by?

Do things pass?
Or fester.
To stay,
and die, without an answer?

What do I love?
Love?
Or Life?
Or the life in love?

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Altered worlds....

Choppy seas...choppy worlds (Oil on canvas)


Somethings change.
Not unto themselves.
But
from our eyes, get out of range.
Stun a surprise; stay estranged...

Somethings cease to matter.
Not to themselves.
But
in my cosm no longer green;
in my bosom, they halt to mean.

Somethings cease.
Not matter.
The kindle dies
the magic flies
Somethings
were doomed to shatter,
no matter.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

In solitude....



Lone
dandelion.
Shorn
of petals,
blown
of ties.
Bared
soul
scorched
dry.
Sinewy.
colour bled,
sparkle fled.
Lone
dandelion
in lone
marathon.



Saturday, April 13, 2013

You did not die.....

This was a poem I wrote as a reply to a famous poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye and which is recited at memorial services. I have posted the original poem after mine.


Amaryllis (Chinese brush painting)

YOU DID NOT DIE....
I do not haunt your grave to weep
for salty tears are only eyes-deep.
The fragrances of your eternal breeze,
waft along, soaking fathomless peace.
The teasing rays of your endless sun
kindle darkest corners of an unhappy bosom.
The starlit night, the buds on boughs
flower memories of your undying vows…
Promises lost to oblivion,
orphaned, without an union..
Every single breath, every single beat
when not for you, is one onerous feat!
What awakening at dawn?
For I have never slept night or morn!
Not a single recall remains unwept,
not a lonely second passes unkept...
Yet, I won’t stand by your grave and cry;
For in my memories you can never die!!

And the original:

Do not stand at my grave and weep 

Do not stand at my grave and weep 
I am not there. I do not sleep. 
I am a thousand winds that blow. 
I am the diamond glints on snow. 
I am the sunlight on ripened grain. 
I am the gentle autumn rain. 
When you awaken in the morning's hush 
I am the swift uplifting rush 
Of quiet birds in circled flight. 
I am the soft stars that shine at night. 
Do not stand at my grave and cry; 
I am not there. I did not die. 





Monday, April 8, 2013

Sandstorm in Dubai



Since the last three days Dubai has experienced sandstorms.

Staying indoors till the late afternoon yesterday, I had no idea what Nature was concocting outside. Only when at five in the evening, when I stepped out for a short stint of household shopping to the nearby supermarket, did I realize what havoc a sand storm can create.

The light was an eerie white and the intense wind, albeit subdued, because of the highrises on either side of the road, concocted insane swirls of breeze. Inside my mind I could only imagine the banshee whistle that such a wind would have made in, in open spaces. Waves of white sand swept across roads in brazen jaywalk. The churned up warm air created a palpable stifling pressure...and I couldn’t help thinking about a porous self raising yeast flour-all warm on the inside and bloated on the out! From their parked cars to the insides of their homes, people rushed along, hairs and dresses flying, tugging and hurrying curious children or lugging shopping-laden plastic covers. Even the vehicles, some with early headlights on, had a sense of urgency about them.

Brewing is the perfect word for a storm in making. And that the word carries with it a threat of serving a surprise shortly is excitement enough! The city was covered by a blanket of haze. Gone were the skyscrapers! Even the Burj Khalifa, that is visible from outside my flats, was nowhere in the horizon! A hint of sun peered from in-between dense white-grey clouds. A fine layer of white dust has gleefully settled over the tops and bonnets of the spanking cars.

And by eight, the first smatter of raindrops lashed on the Earth much to the delight of the residents who stood at their balconies cheering and whistling at the rain and the clap of thunder and dazzle of lightning. The clothes lines went into a tizzy and dresses trapped fine sand into the pockets and folds. We dragged in the clothes stand and before long had fine dust all over inside too! I wondered how much of this fine silt settled in the overhead water tanks…no wonder people of Dubai, without exception, always drink bottled water and not the one provided by the municipality which ensures with all earnestness that water is potable.

Storms have a hangover, apart from the devastation that they leave. This morning was no different. Were it a holiday, the people would have snuggled in bed and kept indoors too. But they all seemed to have dragged themselves reluctantly out only to be welcomed by a smog clothed eerie white dawn. Routines never get disturbed here sandstorm or heavy sandstorm!

The raindrops had pockmarked the dust layer on car tops and had run down in ugly streams that had now dried up. Will take one hell of a time to clean the cars, all the while ensuring to minimize the inevitable thin scratches during the process, I thought as silt on the portico floor made walking slippery. Would women wear stilettos even today, I was curious and kept a lookout today. Yes, they did. Fashion too never underplays here, sandstorm or heavy sandstorm!

The hourly weather forecast on my phone read dreary throughout the day and it only matched my mood of the past few days. As if physical isolation from homeland wasn’t enough, the geographical eccentricities only heighten that isolation.”What would the weather be like in Bangalore ?” I wondered and looked up world weather. Only to find that today, Bangalore was hotter than Dubai!!Dubai’s maximum and minimum is 26/21 versus Bangalore’s 36/23 degrees! Torn between loyalties, I give a mental shrug!

In the afternoon, as I was being driven back on the Sheik Zayed road, where the minimum mandatory speed is 100 kmph, I purposefully looked for any tell-tale signs of yesterday’s storm. None. There were no sand heaps anywhere on the edges of the road, no fallen shrubby trees or hoarders…which again left me wondering-“When do these people do all the maintenance work? The roads are pothole-less, spanking clean even after a sand storm!”

And suddenly it catches my eye. As we pass beneath a giant electronic hoarder sign board, it says: “Reduce speed. Drive carefully. Look out for ponds of water.” I realize it is not just geography that needs orientation, my English needs to acclamatize too!!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Candy floss and middle age...



Age is not even a number for me. It is something that I count and re-count to ensure accuracy, while filling up the ‘age’ column in a form…and then forget till the next form! In between forms, I neither feel younger nor older with every passing event or day of my life! I could never associate age with ‘correctness of responses’ or ‘expected behaviors’. How can there be a blanket expectations from such a finite thing as a life span?

I haven’t felt age, for I have never acknowledged the supposed flip-flops of each time-span of life. The first and the only time I was conscious of aging was when I turned eight and my neighbors said I was now a big girl and was expected to behave so! As an adolescent I concurred with all the beliefs and behavior-patterns my parents suggested and hence there never was a generation gap. It must be that my thoughts simply concurred with the elders!

Or maybe I was a generation behind then and that would make me twice as old today than my actual age. But then this isn’t true too. Because at the other end, I am admonished as “teenager’ by my people at home for certain of my indulgences and enthusiasm over apparently mundane and ‘juvenile’ things! Must age limit not just expressions but also likes and dislikes? I love candy floss and cheeni parantha; dislike outings and am ambivalent about movies. I was so since adolescence. Why should I expect all that to change with growing years?

So then, how old am I really? And what does age and ageing mean?

I count age by experiences and events, numeric definitions be damned. There were or are as many bright teenagers as were idiotic ‘adults’. Growing old in numbers is very basic. I count myself as student-experience old or wife-experience old or doctor-experience old. How does it matter at what numeric age I go through these phases… that I went through them matters and that I added some understanding of life through that experience is what counts as ageing to me. Most phases like motherhood, professional life, relationships are not finite and I merely ‘age’ through them adding on more understanding. There could never be a numeric age for some other abstracts like love, passion, greed, sadness, hurt and such too…They are undying too persisting, evolving or abating through a life time…I could never get ‘old’ at these.

Just as travelling in Space fetches us to a distant place than the initial one, so also travelling through Time gets us to older stages than from where we began. It is an acknowledgement of the inevitability of Time passage and also an appreciation that the eventful journey between the time points is what life is all about…The in between stops can never dictate to me how and how not the responses to Life must be! I could be sagely conservative like my parents about dress codes or marriages and then, be outrageously liberal about religion and human relationships…both at the same ‘age’ and probably both unacceptable as not befitting my age!

As a seven year old, I often stood before the mirror for long minutes, asking of the stranger there -“Who am I?” That ‘I’ is what I have always been, irrespective of the physical and social changes along my time span. That I still stares at me and asks of me the same question-‘Who am I?”Only now I don’t need a mirror and now there are many more such haunting interrogative pronouns to the I question. ”Why am I?” “What am I?” “When (how long) am I?”

I may never find answers to any of them in this Life time-for what are a few decades along a Time span of billions of Earth years? Yet along this finite journey I have discovered ways to travel with less and less baggage. It is easy on the psyche and emotions-two truant mis-guiders along the unknown paths.

At this year-station, I am beginning a new lesson/ “Living with emotions.” I will not disown any of my emotions or feel sorry or even responsible. If nothing lasts forever, emotions can’t be exceptions. Or could be! Some may fizzle out, some get stronger and some may follow me to my grave. But they won’t make me. Harmonious symbiosis is the nearest they can come without each of us ruining the other! That is the gift I gave myself this birthday!