Waking up to the aroma of brewing coffee is one of the pleasant ways to begin the day. My daybreak got pleasanter as I realized that this daily kitchen routine of mine was relegated to my wife today, in view of International Men’s Day. I must say that it was quite an un-egoist task since a week to get her to celebrate this day for me. It had already cost me a fine silk saree and a pledge to let her host the next gala kitty party in my house.
“Good Morning! Happy men’s day darling,” she squealed as she entered with two mugs.
“Thanks. Oh! But this isn’t coffee! What’s this?” I said as the strong, strange smell battered my nose.
“Kashaaya*...darling.” She said sublimely enjoying her coffee.
‘Kashaaya? Why? I’m not sick!”
“Precisely. I want you to remain so for the rest of your life. And since today is Men’s Day, I thought it best to give you kashaaya for good health. And besides...it will keep you going-even for the night.” She winked.
“Night!?” I choked in dismay.
“Yeah! Men’s Day, after all? I expect you’ll want to prove a point or two tonight...”
I had broken into a sweat already. After weeks of happy quiescence, I wasn’t sure of a sterling performance. A point or TWO? Impossible. I had to let her know some way that Men’s Day was for men to do as they pleased and not to prove or justify being men or celebrate manhood!
“Can I have coffee after breakfast, at least? You know I can’t move my bowels without coffee?” I wanted to steer the conversation to a more practical aspect of my simple life.
“Breakfast? Sorry honey. Today is Thursday... The Baba has ordained a fast!”
“Oh! Are we fasting the entire day?”
“Yes and No. The fast lasts the whole day and as the Man of the family only you will be fasting!” Fast the day and entertain at night? I empathized with the proverbial tired horse that was flogged....At least it could remain a horse without worrying not being a stud....
Damn the woman! It was International Men’s Day and I was determined to enjoy it, I reminded myself as I stepped into the service section of the restaurant. I had decided on a leisurely breakfast. As manger, I had unofficially made it known to all the male staff that they could indulge themselves this day. This meant late arrival at work, work-less day at office and early departure. The women had to simply oblige, for, didn’t we let them freak out on Women’s Day?
After a clean sweep of Masala Dosa, Vada-sambhar, Poori-sagu and Kala jamoon, as I was contemplating a leisurely puff, I received a call from Srirangaraju, our office assistant.
“Saar! We are waiting for you at the office...”
“Rangu...I will be there shortly...” We had planned to visit the newly inaugurated office of the ‘Men’s Association.’
“Saar...men can cry, gossip, bitch and freely do other un-manly things.” Srirangaraju was drooling for the association’s membership.
“Rangu, what does it cost to be a life member? Let’s go and find out..” I couldn’t afford to pass a golden opportunity.
‘But saar, we are employees of women’s lungi (His pronunciation of lingerie) company- ‘Phit and Preeti!’, (Fit and Pretty!) remember? I am not sure if they’d let us be members...”
“No..no...no. True we work for ‘Fit and Pretty,’ but they’d dare not discriminate us for that. They must realize that just as for women, the problems of men are universal. They may even have special consideration for men working for women both at home and offices. Let’s check out.”
At the office, it was with satisfaction that I noted that all the women employees were working away even as the men in our offices were celebrating their day. The watchman wasn’t there, the chaprasi had absconded...let the girls return us the favor. I couldn’t forget that they had taken an entire weekend off on this year’s Women’s day.
It was somehow very un-ladylike of all these women to remain so docile and engaged in their work today. I expected them to bombard me en-mass and lecture and jibe for a week about how we were kam-chors...albeit for a single day.
“ Saar! Thank god you came...” Srirangaraju hurried up to me. He appeared terrorized and I could only surmise one thing:
“Did your wife call you?” I asked.
“Worse saar! She is here!”
“Really! I must see this...Dem...I mean...Devi. Where is she?”
“In your chamber saar....” he croaked.
“What? What is she doing in my cham-” my words froze as I pushed the door of my chamber and saw the woman seated at my desk. It wasn’t Rangu’s wife It was the regional manager on a surprise visit! I turned back just in time to see Rangu slink away from my arm’s reach. He knew I could turn murderous at such times.
“Oh! Look who’s here...better late than never...eh? Mr. Rao, can you give me one good reason why I shouldn’t fire you for unauthorized absence? ..Though I had informed about this inspection.”
“ Family! Family, madam. I’m a family man, madam...wife, children, responsibilities...” I dreaded my wife’s reactions to my joblessness and it was thus no surprise that I found a reason and my voice simultaneously. I was wondering if someone had deliberately not informed me about her intended visit.
“Mr. Rao, the men staff must be ashamed. Look at the girls. They are so diligent! Working their hearts away when all you men were not even around! I declare a raise for the women. And as for men, be thankful you are still employed. However, I shall recommend that all the men must forfeit one increment for being so callous about work and timings.” she thundered.
Tears stung my eyes...By God...We sweat it out the whole year and this ogress comes visiting on Men’s Day when we have decided to just take it easy?! Unbelievable! It was an obvious ploy by the women colleagues and we had no way to prove it.
Gulping a huge lump at my throat, I managed to say, “Sorry madam. I promise I shall be a better manager from now on...”
“Oh no..no..Don’t bother. You may go back and work in shop floor. I have a replacement who will take over from you as manager. Roberts...” She called.
A heavyset figure rose from the seat across and walked menacingly towards me. The crew cut, the sumo-weight and a clean shaven stern face made me want to piss in my pants as I held out my hand saying, “ Welcome, Mr. Roberts.”
“Watch it man! I am Miss Julia Roberts, the new manager of this office,” she said as I struggled to keep myself from fainting.
* Kashaaya- A homemade concoction of known and unknown herbs, prepared for health benefits.
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